I have lost him...

It has been 2 years now... I don't know how but I was very much attached to him, I don't even know what made him so special...  he had nothing special, he was just like the others...

It happened like it happens in every girls life... His proposal came to me and I was given some time to analyze before I say a YES... I read through his biodata, it was quite impressive, I had a look at his picture, there was nothing to say a No but somewhere I felt I was not ready... but after my brother insisted, I knew I had no reasons, I had to agree.... I know it was not something like love at first sight and all So don't expect those things here... so you know we took time... to develop that bonding. Slowly I came to know him, I explored his world, He never denied any of my requests. He always welcomed me, he had no problems in giving me access to his deepest secrets. I enjoyed spending time with him, with Him I would never be alone, and with him around I would be lost in crowd in his eyes.

Slowly I came to know about his knowledge, He was impressive had knowledge of everything... I loved listening to music but had never bothered to wonder who the lyricist and musician is...  with him I too started to categorize and recognize various forms of music. You know I'm very bad in remembering roads, he would always help me find out my way.. how does he remember all ways, wherever I might go he would make sure I didn't lose my way... his caring ways would just leave me with a smile...

We were bonding, getting closer.. or rather I was becoming more dependent on him, may be he was that way always? he had no demands, he agreed to all my needs and in return he expected nothing from me... He only had one demand "I will have to charge him every night!!" and I readily agreed to it... don't look with those wide eyes at me now... had no choice after all...

Its very easy for girls to start depending on someone, imagining their whole life with them...  and then it becomes very difficult for them to detach from them... That is what is happening to me now...

He has gone... forever.. he left me without saying a word... I don't even know what happened... what was my fault... what went wrong and why and how he left, how can he do that to me.. I wonder.. till today I miss him... It has been two years he left me... I miss his voice.. I miss his touch, the way he made me feel when I was with him... I know every other girl had one for them like the one I had...and everyone believed she had a unique one was in love with hers... there was nothing special in him too, but I thought him to be unique, made just for me.. still cannot forget him... Ohh God...

My heart aches to accept the fact that he might still be alive... in some part of the world.. his heart still beats but its not beating for me.. he still cares the same way... but not for me... some hands might still be feeling  him but they are not mine... the ears that hear his voice are not mine... He doesn't sing the songs for me anymore... He is no more working as a messenger for me... who would give all my messages with a smile to all my friends and deliver their messages to me... My cutie pie... I really miss him.. though he is not with him.. I still miss those wonderful days... After all First love is First love...

I know I need to move on... and Yes I have... Today I have someone who fills his place... who sings song for me when I feel low... who tries to bring smile by reading out jokes to me... keeps all my reminders and pays attention to everything... he is smarter, cool and much fun to be around.. that is how my friends describe him.. they feel jealous of me... but me.. I'm still longing for that old feeling... longing to feel...

I just wonder how come I realized I have lost him after a long time.. If I would have realized it in time... Alas... before I realized the deep loss his departure had made.. somebody had manipulated his heart and his heart is no longer beating for me... He is no longer loyal to me... he was now ringing for someone else... he was delivering messages for someone else...

Ohh dear.. My Nokia N79 I miss you so much.... I still want you back in my life... and you know what I still give suspicious looks to all those lucky hands who have your brothers in them.

Hamari Kahani...

There was a dialogue in Hum Tum if you dont recollect let me refresh..
It says like "hamari kahani.. jaise se hum naye logo se milte hai hamari kahani unki kahani se jodti rehti hai... "

Even God doesnt have enoufh incidents to make unique things happen in every individuals life... so stories are combined... like someone will have a story that his bank will go bankcrupt... so will every customer of that bank.. soneone might have in his fate that will meet with accident while travelling in bus.. so will every other passenger... Tsunami will affect so many lifes and get included as an expirence in the ones affected and the people who know the affected...

So you see our story is never a very unique story... it always has something common with someone or the other... !!! We think God is giving us pain.. only you are teh sufferer...
And by that I mean.. even your love story will never be unique!!! ;)
Now u say... why?? ahh??

Ok... let me tell you why.. because you share your love story with the one you love.. !! :) Right... so there is nothing liek unique that is happening in your life.. !!

Ya.. Im coming to point... so I was just thinking... even god implements the principal of  Reuse !! :) 

This is just outcome of my frustrated mind... nothing fruitful to think.. ! ! :) 

And how does this happen.. how is this decided that who all will suffer??
I think the stars play a very vital role in this... Stars are the s/w created by god which runs on the program god craeted... in every individual story...
God writes our life story as a test case...
-- He will get a good job... when saturn is in this...
-- He will fall sick... when xxx isin yy
-- He will suffer recession...

Then gods s/w picks up all teh conditions given in the life story and then calculates the start positions when those things will happen in actaula n are suppose to happen in our life and accordingly... calculate our date of birth.. and so we are sent on earth to execute His program... (Live teh program... )??? :|


let me give eg:
In Mr X life he is to suffer a recession at age of 40...
In Mr Y life he is to suffer recession at age of 25...

The starts will have a plan to bring recession in year 2050
so in 2050 Mr x needs to be 40 and mr y needs to be 25... and so likewise they are born...


:) Ya.. I beleive.. Stars are behind whatever happen in your life...
That does not mean I dont beleive in efforts...
Both are needed for success... Effort + Luck... (From stars...)

What do u say???

My Bundle of joy ~ Pranav

-->

Like every girl even I dreamt of him. I use to spend hours thinking about him dwelling in my dream world. Imagining my prince, he would look like this he would be like this he will do this for me and what not. All day long however tired I might be I would get time to go in my imaginary world and think of him.

Then it happened 6 months before, even my parents entered my imaginary world. They too started dreaming about him. They started telling me about him. It was six months back that I heard this name, his name! Yes, he had a name- “Pranav”. Even before I saw him I knew him. My parents told me so many stories about him. They ignited the imagination fire within me. They aired the fire daily by talking about him. Reminding me.. He is coming soon, and with that followed thousands of instructions of how I should maintain myself. So that he is happy when he comes. 

We use to spend hours talking about him. There was no day left without his topic being discussed. It was as if we had already developed a bond. Initial 2 months I just heard them, how they praised him but then later slowly I developed interest. We talked with each other often. Without seeing each other we started loving and caring for each other that bond developed and then it happened that I desperately waited for the moment to come when we will actually see each other.

It was still 1 month left for him to arrive. That day my In-laws came to my home. As usual his topic came up and everyone started talking about him and teasing me.  Just One month.. .Bhabhi are you prepared to meet him... how do you feel?? All types of questions and I had no answers a strange feeling of shyness would grasp me and I would utter no word.

I use to go back in my dream world think about how we will spend our life here after. How my life will change. How I will care for him. How I will love him and how I will cherish all these memories. These were the most precious moments in a girl’s life and those I was living. I wanted to live them to fullest. The eagerness to meet, shyness, anxiety of the future. The wait everything added more and more to the suspense and I counted each sec… I was looking forward to the day with so much of expectations and there was fear, fear of the unknown. Though I knew him, I feared things that I didn’t know.   

That day arrived and at the same time our bond which was already developed got named. We were bonded together for lifetime. Bonded to be there for each other. That day was the happiest day for me. His touch made me feel so complete. His voice so soft. I could now feel him close to me. Was this a reality I pinched myself ‘oouch’.. yes it was… He was near me. I could touch him, kiss him, feel his skin, his voice, I could see him smile. He was so smart. Better than what I had imagined. When I looked into his Deep black eyes I felt as if they are hiding the night in them with the twinkling stars peeping out of them. Everything was so perfect about him. There was nothing to deny.. that it was love at first sight. Though we were in love since long. We knew each other and we were already committed to our relation. These worldly physical things hardly mattered to us. But when we saw each other for the first time that was icing on the cake.

Pranav was very shy types. After Meeting he hardly spoke anything it was all time me who use to do the talking part. He used to listen to me… giggle and smile and that killing smile, I would do anything to get that smile from him. Though I knew him so well, He talked very less. But that was never a problem for me as that gave me chance to speak more. Our relation developed as time passed.

Work started getting hectic for me. I use to reach home late. Pranav use to wait for me. I loved that feeling that someone is waiting for me. It used to bring a sense of wantedness in me. At The same time I never wanted him to wait for me so long. I too had an urge to reach home early Hug him … and forget all the worldly tensions in his killing smile.

That day I was very unhappy with my work, I talked to him I knew he will say nothing but My heart will feel relax so I talked to him about everything that was troubling me. 

Today is his Birth day. But his birthday is not just a birthday for me. It is an Anniversary to celebrate, The day had brought so many things in my life It was

Anniversary of our first kiss

Anniversary of our first touch

Anniversary of feeling each other

Anniversary of our Eyes Meeting each other.

Anniversary of Myself feeling complete, feeling a woman

Anniversary of my Motherhood.

“Happy Bday Pranav!! ”

Thanks for giving me this chance of being your Mother. – Pranav my Prince.
:)

Generation Gap?

I was hurriedly walking to catch my bus, as usual I was getting late for office...
on my side I passed by a small girl who was walking with her mom to catch her school bus.. there was nothing new to capture my attention...
suddenly the girl said something and an alarm bell started ringing in my mind... I asked myself again... did I hear that correct??

I heard that girl say "Thappad se daar nahi lagta ... Pyaar se lagta hai..." ya.. nothing wrong in this... but I was wondering.. the way she said.. the tone her voice had... todays generation is way ahead from our generation I know... but that dialogue from her made me go slow... wait and hear her and made me think...

Whne I was of her age... I too use to walk holding my Mom's hand... I too would speak with my mom and to impress her I would sing the nursery rhymes I learnt at school... feeling proud about which she would give me a choclate and I would happily eat that...

Today's generation knows operating mobile,laptop and video games smoothly .. they can handle mordern devices without hesitation, they can learn quickly... play games on any mobile... handle any new model of mobile and expolore any new device from camera to TV to CD player anything.. which I would think twice before touching it.. I would prefer reading teh user manual first...

everything is fine... the children are growing fast.. learning things faster in teh age of this media and TV... Im afraid to face a child.. you know what... They can ask you question you will never be able to answer...
Questions that you would have never thought about till your married? Tv serial sare affecting the inocent minds... but somewhere I feel they are loosing innocence... The most valued virtue of being a child and the one we miss in our life now.. and the reason why we remember our childhood...

What are we giving our children? Are we really making them intelligent? Or are we rather snatching their right to be a child?
I know Its not our fault... its technology and everyone wants to be updated... but I would still love to see children playing cricket in teh backyard.. hide and seek these games are like vanishing... I loved playing them so much and even today I long to get a chance to play them again... Children now have stopped getting out of houses... tehy are all time infront of the TV, or computer or video games.. taht is the life thay are living.. socializing, making friends is one of teh very imp aspect of ones growth...
I dont know how we can change things but we can atleast pursue child at our home to play outdoor games for a while...

Change begins at home...

I love him a lot!!

When he comes without my knowledge smile appears on my face
His touch caress my heart, putting fullstop to my pain
such is our relation, not from now...
its since then when I knew nothing
I use to feel good when he came
I use to get off from school when he came
Mom use to refrain from sending me to school when he came...
so naturally I started liking him...
After all I use to get a holiday to school because of him...


he comes every year without fail
I used to wait for him eagerly,
excitement to meet him was more than the summer vaccations
I still feel the same for him...
but these days I dont openly go to meet him,
I cant do as I wish to do..
When he comes I dont pay attention to him these days...
he comes every year to meet me without fail...
waits for me...
mI that busy... that I cannot meet my childhood friend..
Or I have grown up and I cant do what my heart desires?
I love listening to him..
he calls me.. but I keep staring at him from the other side of window...
I feel an urge to go and meet him...
But I still dont leave my place, thinking I will go tomorrow...


But... then Its time to say good bye to him... as rainy season comes to an end...
my wishes remain as it is in my heart
I wish I could... tell him Im the same Nishi...
I wish I could play with him like I did..
I wish I would have never changed.. never grown up...
I want to tell him...
"I love to be with you... I love you... and I love staring at you for hours"
Yes.. I love rains a lot...

Budding Love #6.3

As he entered in the room he saw a cynical smile coming up on her face. He looked at her with questioning eyes to which she replied… So??

So, means? What? He said and shrugged.

Hmmm, she continued clearing her throat, so, who is Pinky huh? Why you didn’t introduce your first love to me huh??

Ma told you na… we played together when we were kids and nothing else…

Really??? Ma told me something else too.. are you forgetting something? That you should have told me long back?

What… You don’t try to pull my leg… I’m not gonna fall prey ok!! He declared

So who use to hold her hand and drop her to school every day and bring her back from school to the auto… Ahh you had such a great caring sense when you were a kid…

You mean I don’t care now? He got serious…

Aree yaar, this is not fair when you ask me all mischievous questions, I’m supposed to answer them with 100% truthfulness and when I’m just trying to …

Interrupting her, he hold her by her shoulders and made her sit on the bed… while he sat on his knees, ok… fine you want to know who is Pinky right… ?

Yes, she said gaining back her lost enthusiasm.

Hmm, Pinky is not my friend or love, she is more than that, she is my guide, she has been always there for me, as you know by now, we studied together in same school and they stayed a house next to ours, so being in same colony we even played together. As we grew our friendship also did! That’s it.

Ummm and what about the proposal?

What proposal, that was just our parents or rather my parents who thought she will be a great daughter I law…

Don’t tell me… even you were ready, right for the marriage?

If she would have agreed… he blushed

Ohhh… that hurt her so deep, she was in pain… So you still fantasize about her being your wife?

What non sense… are you Mad, out of your sense? I said, we were just friends, and I had no problem if she would have accepted the marriage proposal... Think before you speak mad lady, she is someone’s wife now. He stretched his words.

And what before she was someone else’s wife? You did think about her often huh?

Yes… that again hurt her, I did think, not about her, and then I thought that I’m someone else’s husband… Are you going to stop those stupid questions? Or we are planning to play a quizze show her, ok then now my turn… Did you ever feel I’m not true to you? Someone brings up some topic and you start questioning?

Ohh, I had no intentions of hurting you; I just thought I should use this chance I got to tease you!! Why are you angry…

And you have met Pinky… he again cut her sentence in between.

What… me… when? Pinky?

Preeto you remember she came here yesterday with mama mami.

Preeto Di... she is Pinky… ?

Yes!! Pinky is her pet name, but after marriage everyone has stopped calling her Pinky, he doesn’t like it seems, people calling her by name Pinky and she is older than me, so she had refused the proposal.

Older and you studied in same class, She was confused now.

When Did I say same class? Same school… We were together in same school, after she passed 10^th she went for college to other city and then our communication had broken.

Ohh… so sad… A great love story had to break in middle of making history… Things could not happen… She remarked sarcastically… you feel sad about it?

No… Not at all, because if she would have accepted the proposal, I would have been in a great loss!!

What loss… ??

I would have missed you in my life… he said and he hugged her. In his arms she forgot everything… She softly replied to his hug, “I know you love me a lot!!!”, looking up to him in his eyes, she continued… “I can see that in those twinkling eyes…” to which he just smiled and kissed her forehead!

Promise me, you will not ask such questions again… you won’t doubt my love again... you won’t hurt me like this again… he has a series of questions.

I never doubted you dear, I was just teasing you, but I can’t promise I will never do it again... now whenever I will see Preeto di... she paused releasing herself from his arms, she continued these questions are going to come in my mind!! she grinned and ran to the other side of bed.

After running for a while behind her, he was able to get hold of her, both gasping for breath “Shhh… don’t forget Ma and Papa are also there in the house…” she laid her head on his shoulder and after their breath regained normal speed she took his hand and said, you know I was very hurt when you said you were ready to marry Preeto….

Why?

I don’t know why… may be the realization that I was not your first choice was hurting me…

It is the main drawback of arrange marriage you know, he said pressing her hand, You have to reject so many before selecting the one… But… Hmm… Madam… Mera man ek kora kagaj tha… jispe bhagwan ne tumhara naam likha hai.. (My heart was a blank paper on which God has written ur name) and now it is no way going get erased…

She was content with his answer, no questions left in her mind!! But he had something store for her… He pulled an envelope from the pillow and handed it to her, she looked at it surprised with perplexed eyes, as she opened it, two tickets to Singapore popped out of it…

Wow!!! She exclaimed as she had never imagined she would be there even in her dreams…

She questioned him what is all this… ??

This is my treat for you for your today’s accomplishment... for treating and caring for my family like yours!! I hope you like my treat. The trip is in next month as this month is a bit hectic and me getting leave is not possible.

She had never expected something like this would be in store for her, she was overwhelmed, It was very big thing for her, tears started flowing and she could not speak a word, she was full of emotions.

She just cuddled into his arms and made herself comfortable, though the day was hectic, she was not feeling sleepy, and she had so much to share with him, ask him and so much to create memories to cherish them throughout their life about these couple of days which had brought with them bundle of joyous memories.

Chatting, thinking, knowing more about each other, planning for the Singapore trip, somewhere they went to sleep. 

Budding Love #6.2

Next day she woke up early morning, though he had communicated the news last night itself, they both were tired to go out and do shopping. She got ready by 4:30 AM, then did her daily pooja and was free by 5:30, she started deciding the menu for the coming days and preparing list of items that will be needed, She went and brought extra milk, It was around 6:00 Am when she heard a car drive outside, she peeped out of the window, There were 4 standing outside, as she had guessed they had arrived, she went running and woke him then came back running to welcome them, she greeted everyone and took some of the luggage and guided them in the house. Everyone looked very tired; she served them with water while he came to greet them. He was still sleepy; when he saw them in front he was bolted down and was shaken by the realization… Ohh my God he thought to himself… they are already here, I will need to go and fetch extra milk while they get fresh… as he was struggling to think what else… she came and handed him a piece of paper and went in the kitchen, he followed her and whispered, I will get milk by the time they get ready, she told him not to worry and she already has brought it.

You just get ready and get the things in the list, by the time you get ready and chat with them it will be 8, I need the items by 9 ok?

Yes ok…  so you have decided the menu..

yes!! She said…  their conversation was broken as her MIL intruded in the kitchen.  He left signaling her he will get it on time.

Everyone got busy, She prepared tea for all and served it with some biscuits.

After taking the fist sip everyone was appreciating the tea, saying it was refreshing and very good, tasty. She was happy to hear that, it boosted her confidence a bit and helped to cope with the nervousness she was facing. Everyone asked her to sit and chat with them, it was the first time after their marriage they were visiting them so all wanted to know the new daughter in law… she talked politely with everyone and answered all their questions, enquired about other family members, trying hard to recollect details about everyone. After a while she took all the cups and plates, she had to wash them herself, as she could not keep them for the maid, she started cleaning them and mentally started taking note of next task she had to do. Time was flying it was 8:30, she prepared snacks and then was worried whether she will get the vegetables and all in time, Just then he entered, he handed all the bags to her, while everyone was upstairs getting ready, she started segregating all the vegetables, he helped her arrange them in the freeze, while she started preparing, He took the carrot and cucumber and started cutting the salad, she stopped him, but he said, “you are doing your duty, let me do mine… ok… ” and without waiting for her answer he started cutting the salad and vegetables, she prepared the dough and let it settle, slowly everything was getting ready and things were at right place. She was tensed; she hoped they will like food cooked by her. She wanted to tell him to tell her how the food was. She thought of telling it to him that while they had food, he should signal her if it was good or bad, while she was about tell him this idea his cousin entered and started teasing him for not letting his wife alone even in the kitchen and forcefully dragged him out with himself. Disappointed he had to retreat from kitchen, he was her moral support she was a bit nervous but she felt happy that most of the things were done. Soon it was time for lunch.

Everyone settled down at table, the men were supposed to have lunch first, so there he was sitting with all elderly uncles, She kept staring at him to signal him, she wanted to know how the food was from him, but he was so busy entertaining others that he never bothered to look at her, once in a while when he looked it was to tell her to serve curry or rice, she was still confused, no one said a word about food, was it that bad, she thought to herself, she was worried now, tension prevailing, she didn’t want to let him down. As they were about to finish and leave the table, her Father-In-Law came to her and said, “Bahu, I ate 1 roti extra today, I loved the food. If I stay with you here, soon I will put on weight.” and he laughed, those words felt so soothing, she was now at peace, as everyone settled down in the hall, she heard their conversation, they were talking about the food, and everyone seemed to be happy. Just then stealing everyone’s eyes he entered the kitchen just to tell her the food was wonderful, he helped her clean the dinning for the ladies, she insisted him to leave that job to her but he was not ready to listen to her, soon the table was set for ladies, and now was the true test, you know how it is… one lady will never praise the other and so she had already set her mind. She just hoped she doesn’t get a bad comment. He waited there in the kitchen itself, when one of his aunt commented, “You can go dear, she is there to take care of our needs…”, he replied wittily to her comment, “She is there but I want to serve my aunt you see, so I’m waiting here… ” and he grinned.

As expected his nagging aunty started praising how her daughter in law prepare nice delicious food, though no one paid heed, it was usual for all, they started and at the first bite everyone started praising food for being very delicious and they loved the food cooked by her. She felt relaxed. After everyone had their lunch, all gathered in the hall and were watching TV. He was in their room upstairs, he called her and as she came in he closed the door, she was taken aback by his behavior, she went to open the door, he pulled her towards him by her hand and made her sit in the chair, he went to the table and as he unveiled the plate, she was surprised, “What is this? Who brought this here?”

He just signaled her to keep mum and fed her, “I knew you will not have food.”

“But I’m not hungry… ”

“Since morning you are running behind everyone… and these kids… they say, Kids are God sent, but these Kids… they are equal to devil… haven’t I seen how much you had to take trouble to feed them.”

“… It’s all right I’m seriously not hungry….”

“See, this is not a matter of today, you need to have energy for a couple of days, I don’t want to see you sick… so please don’t argue”

She ate a little, but she was not feeling hungry, may be after seeing satisfied faces of everyone after lunch her heart was content. Still for him, she ate.

Soon it was snacks time, she felt as if for the whole day she was in kitchen, as the snacks time was over it was time for dinner. Whole day she was in the kitchen. But she never showed signs of tiredness on her face; she did everything happily for them.

By the time it was time to sleep she was completely exhausted. She went tired in her room, he was reading a book, though it was late, they spent some time in chatting about their first experience with guests!! She was very worn-out, after a while her eyes started getting heavy and she closed them and listened to him, she didn’t realize when she went to sleep, when he realized he was talking to himself, he smiled at himself, placing the blanket properly, he kissed her eyes and went to sleep.

Next day she got up and followed the same routine she had done last day, today she was relieved from the pooja job, her MIL did that for her, some of her In laws left after lunch while others left after dinner, they were now left with her Mother and Father In Law, who they supposed will be staying for a few more days.

After dinner all four sat for a small chat with their cup of Ice-Creams, while they told her about his childhood memories and his mischief’s’, she was stealing glances to tease him and question him how naughty he was. Soon it was bed time; when finally they got time to be together, she was getting away with her earring when a devilish thought entered her mind…

…TBC…